Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
