I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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