I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
