I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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