I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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