I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
