I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
