you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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