1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Randomize
