he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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