why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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