so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
