His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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