True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize