new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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