seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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