this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
