There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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