I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Randomize
