Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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