I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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