I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
