i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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