His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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