I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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