I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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