Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
