I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
dude i'm inner monologue high
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
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EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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