Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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