I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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