i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
