I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
