Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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