New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
