So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
