If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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