see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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