who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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