Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
