Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Randomize
