I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
