If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
