I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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