So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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