Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
