I wish my penis had an off switch
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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