he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
