It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
