Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
