My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
