FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
