we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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