you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
