i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Randomize
