My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Text me some of your sweat
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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