It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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