Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
