Got a toothbrush?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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